Hello, I'm Jade :3

Okay so... I'm Jade, and I really don't know what to put here. It took me a bit of time to find the confidence to register, not because I'm afraid of talking to new people, more because I'll be discussing my anxieties which I've had since I was 12 (I'm now 16). I'm just not used to opening up to people about my anxieties and when I do I feel kind of awkward, probably because a lot of people don't really understand. But a lot of you do so I guess maybe this time it'll be different. If I'm honest hearing people talk about their anxieties and talking about my own makes me feel uncomfortable and kind of... feels dark, if that makes sense? I guess maybe I'm a little ashamed of having them. But I'm not so ashamed that I hide it from everyone. I'm hoping that this forum may help me not be so ashamed or afraid.

I'm sorry in advance for the rambling that is about to/may occur, and how I seem a little dull (I have my serious face on haha... I'm not usually like this and I'll probably ease up as I get to know some of you)

I was diagnosed with, I think they said it was severe anxiety but I can't remember. It was really bad at first. That was when I was 12 right after I'd moved back to my home country after being in a different country for 2 and a half years. I think they started to make their way in in the second year I was in the different country. I guess the anxieties occurred from not being in a secure and comfortable environment thingymabobby (Haha sorry, I have pretty limited vocabulary as I've not been in a schooling environment since I was 13 or 14. Not proper school, when I went to proper school when I came back I guess it triggered it to it's worst and so I was home tutored for about a year, because it was limited to me, and then I went into a group with other people who had anxieties like me and were unable to go to school so it was like a mini classroom, there were about 6/7 of us and 2/3 teachers. That was also limited hence when I couldn't stay til I was 16.)

I pretty much just told you most the story in brackets there, and there is a lot of background information but I'd rather not bore you so... I'll talk about my situation now. I never go out, ever. Only to see my besfriend or boyfriend, or if I really need to for like buying a present for someone or something like that but other than that never ever ever do I leave my house.
I've known my bestfriend my whole life and I met my boyfriend online before I met him in real life ^_^ (Hell yeah first smiley of the post) I knew him a year and a half before I met him in real life. Anyway, my bestfriend lives an hour away and due to her always being busy with college and whatnot, I very very seldom see her. I think maybe I saw her twice last year. I see my boyfriend almost every month, despite the fact he lives 2 and a half hours away. His parents are wonderous people who come and pick me up and then I stay for a week or two. They don't seem to mind but I feel like a burden and would one day like to be able to get to his house on my own by going on the train or something. I can go on buses, but only if I'm with someone. The only time I go on my own is to go to town, because I know exactly which bus to get and it's the last stop so I don't have to worry about missing my stop. It has to be for something I'm looking forward to or I'd probably have a panic attack because the thing that I look forward to overpowers my anxieties. Anyway, I spend all my time on my laptop. It is literally all I do. Eat, sleep, laptop (and obviously I go to the toilet and whatnot lolol). I am a hermit, and not to mention my sleeping pattern is completely the other way round. I have always been a hermit, ever since I was 12, but even then I had my tutor to work with in the library and then my group to go to so I wasn't a complete hermit. Now I have nothing to do at all. I can't go to college because I am too afraid, it makes me want to cry when I think about going in and meeting new people and knowing no one, and having lots of work to do. I was supposed to start last year but didn't because of my fears.

I don't really know what else to add to this but I feel I've bored you enough and if you do want to know more just ask. I would have worded it all more simple but I'm incapable of doing that lolol. I feel a bit... weird telling complete strangers all that but I guess you'll all understand what it's like and stuff... I'm just a bit afraid because it's kind of personal but I'm trying to face my fears and whatnot by actually telling people exactly how I feel in certain situations rather than locking up and just saying basic things. I guess I haven't said THAT much about my anxieties but I feel like I've already said a lot so...

I am actually really friendly it's just my anxieties bring out my serious side haha

Heh, it's okay; I think our anxieties bring out the serious side in all of us (although I always try to make light of my serious issues). Your boyfriend's parents sound lovely! You're quite fortunate and I hope you get to see your best friend more often. I know that since school has started for me, I've only seen one of my best friends twice, and the other three times in a year. the others I haven't seen at all. it's been rough, so i sympathize. still, you shouldn't feel anxious around here (that would be ironic), as we all understand what you're dealing with to some degree :]

so welcome ♥

daiyadarko wrote:Heh, it's okay; I think our anxieties bring out the serious side in all of us (although I always try to make light of my serious issues). Your boyfriend's parents sound lovely! You're quite fortunate and I hope you get to see your best friend more often. I know that since school has started for me, I've only seen one of my best friends twice, and the other three times in a year. the others I haven't seen at all. it's been rough, so i sympathize. still, you shouldn't feel anxious around here (that would be ironic), as we all understand what you're dealing with to some degree :]

so welcome ♥

Yeah I know I am quite fortunate what with being in the situation I am in, so I try to appreciate everything I have because despite not having a lot of things or doing things such as going to college or having more friends than I do now (Although I feel as though I don't need a lot of friends and am happy with who I have now), there are people who have it worse than me. People who have no friends at all to tell things to or are able to leave the house without having a panic attack.

I'm gonna try and not be so serious from now on because in real life I would be smiling while saying all this :3 partly because I'd be nervous and partly because I smile a lot ^_^ another thing to add to all this, I hate how my anxieties make me feel a bit self centred sometimes, when explaining things or when I can't go places or something because it makes me freak out. It's really annoying. And I ramble on and on because I want to make sure I get my point across as clearly as possible hence the big paragraphs... haha

But anyway, you seem really nice and I hope you get to see your bestfriend more too ^_^ Although being able to speak to my bestfriend on the internet fills the gap of missing her, I still do miss her a lot sometimes and I'm sure you miss yours too :3