Hullo, I'm Becky!

Hello! My name's Becky, it's nice to meet you.

I'm 21 years of age, live in England, and suffer from Social Anxiety (orly?). I suck at giving a potted history of things (I'm really good at rambling) but I'll try my best!

My anxiety began when I was 13 with great thanks to what began with physical health problems; I had to frequently visit the hospital for problems with my skin and saw many health professionals, many of whom I wouldn't hesitate to call 'bullies' now. In school I was often bullied and didn't have many friends due to poor attendance relating to above hospital visits and health problems. I was under a lot of pressure to keep up with appointments, medication, and school work for lessons I'd often missed; when I turned 15 it all came to a head and I left school before my GCSEs due to a breakdown. After that I suffered with severe depression, anxiety, and agoraphobia, something which took me about 4 years to even begin recovering from. During this four year period I'd had counselling, which 'kind of' helped at the time, but when I turned 19 I decided I was fed up and went to try 'Cognitive Behavioural Therapy'; at this point I was diagnosed with Social Phobia and so began my journey!

With great thanks (sarcasm) to my isolation the past 6 years, I find myself quite alone in the world but I am gradually changing that with the help of the CBT. My life is small at the moment, consisting of me staying at home with my dog and using the internet as my form of communication (seriously, it's been a lifesaver!). I'm slowly but surely challenging my Anxiety -- I am able to go out of the house, walk the dog and go shopping with my mother without any panic attacks -- and I am now hoping to look into taking a course in Psychology so that I can introduce myself into the world again without jumping straight into the deep end. It's my hope to go into the Mental Health profession so I can help others who went through the same that I did.

I have trouble with simple things such as answering and making phone calls, answering the door, and going too far away from my home alone. I am currently unemployed as the idea of an interview, let alone working on a schedule and interacting with others, terrifies me. My interactions are tiring and frightening to me because I always run over the conversations in my mind after I've had them, thinking 'Oh gosh that sounded stupid! They must think I'm an idiot!' and so on, which can be quite exhausting and lead me to believe people dislike me. The funny thing is (and I don't know if others can sympathise with this), other people say I come across as "quietly confident and articulate" -- if only they knew what was running through my mind at 100MPH!

It's a daily struggle but it is getting easier and I can see the light of the tunnel. I hope that I can help other people see that light as well, realise that they aren't alone, and to keep positive because -- with time, patience, and taking a lot of care of yourself -- things will improve. As well as that, friends and just a little reminder that I'm not the only one are my reason for being here.

Thank you for reading. I apologise for the wall of text, I did say that I'm good at rambling...!

"Be kind; everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

Ahh, hello Becky~!
I am in total appreciation of this rant I'll try not to rant this reply myself :F, I too have immense difficulty answering and making phonecalls when it occurs I pace around circles and can't talk D: I also need a job so badly it's ridiculous as I've failed school and have pretty much no where to live. But I'm so paralysed with fear I cannot bring myself to go in and enquire. What you mentioned about people seeing you as "quietly confident and articulate" It's so similar for me, I am constantly running my brain thinking about every little word, body movement and facial expression and how that came across. I recently went to a party full of cool people that I could perhaps be actual friends with (they're my friend's friends, I just tag along) but whenever I'm around them I completely freeze up... my friends even tell me, "you are usually so sharp and funny when it's just us, what's wrong?" and I just, I don't know I blank out.Or have to pre-think and monitor everything I say. But then you get those good moments when seamless socialness just comes spontaneously and you leave the conversation or whatever it was feeling so chuffed.. I'll be seeing a counselor soon as the people around me believe I have depression, I don't think it's just that but I'm excited at the prospect of getting help..

Hello!
I'm sorry to hear that you have the same trouble I do with finding a job! Also the whole having nowhere to live... gosh, that must be scary for you. Stay strong, it will work out! I can sympathise completely with trying to keep track of every little thing you do when speaking to someone -- then I notice I'm overthinking and start worrying that I'm not being expressive enough. It's a vicious circle.

One thing I've been told is to "Build positive experiences". Unfortunately that does mean having to face your fears, but as time progresses and you have more and more positive experiences with conversing with people, when you do have a particularly anxious day you can say to yourself 'Well all the other times I spoke to people it went smoothly, why not today?'. It's hard to put into practice though, isn't it? I think part of what makes anxiety so difficult is the fact that overcoming it often involves you having to face the very real fear.

I hope that you're able to find a counsellor who can help you. The most important thing is that you're doing it for yourself more than anyone else. I'm sure you'll do fabulously!