Subtly, I Shake

I never had a problem talking to people as a kid. I would talk up my parents' friends, my sister's friends, and any stranger I encountered. I was adorable and well-spoken, they said.

But I never felt comfortable talking to kids my own age. I have no idea why, but adults were safer to talk to. No, I was not neglected or anything of that ilk, but I never saw kids as equal to me.

Heh, I guess you could say my social anxiety started with superiority.

Growing up, I was bullied from the ages of 8-18. Often times, it was because I "talked white" and was "a know-it-all." Of course I wouldn't want to talk to anyone after being teased by everyone. When I was 12, I had decided to go the entire year without any friends. That way, I couldn't let anyone get close enough to hurt me. And yet, I had one girl persistently try to be my friend. I was so stubborn, I blew her off. This type of behavior continued. You get hurt so much that you try to lock people out, and then when they do get past the walls you've built up, you don't want to let them go. That's why as of today, I can count on one hand how many people will answer the phone at any hour of the night when I'm having a nervous break down.

High school was not kind to me, but it gave me those friends.

I sat in the back of classrooms, I read books, I tried to avoid being seen, lest I have to answer a question and be wrong. If I answered wrongly, I was teased for being stupid. If I answered correctly, I was treated with audible derision from the other students. If I raised my hand to answer when no one else knew the answer, again, the murmurs of malcontent. And if I gave a presentation, people would resent me for doing a good job. I tried to go last, so as not to "set the bar," but teachers would see the work I'm capable of, have me go first, and then comment how good I did and how my work was what they expected. I didn't want attention; I wanted to fade into the background. I would try and try to run from social events, and somehow, I kept being dragged to them. Dances, parties, clubs, events; do you know how I spent the majority of my senior prom? Sitting and talking to two of my best friends.

If it were up to me, I would stay at home and never leave. But because it's not up to me, and because I have trouble saying no, I wind up gritting my teeth, putting on a smile, and laughing when it's called for. Oh if I could have said "no" more often! Part of my anxiety is the fear of not pleasing people, and at night, I have cried over not being good enough to meeting my family's expectations. I would try to do anything to keep my friends, or who I thought were friends, and it led to me losing my virginity to a guy I wasn't even remotely attracted to, but I didn't want to be angry at me. At a party last summer, I gave head to a guy even though I said "no, stop" and had a boyfriend. My anxiety wasn't just messing with my ability to have fun, but it was posing some threats to my relationships and my own well-being.

I'm on two medications to treat my bipolar disorder now, and one of them helps the night time anxiety and nervous break downs. Of course, there are times where I wind up crying and need someone to talk to, but it's not as bad as before, where I was afraid to go to sleep. I know I've gone on long enough, but let me say that I've tried and still am trying to get past things, and even though it's hard and sometimes scary, I'm sure every one of you all will get better too.

Okay, Daiya out.

My social problems started with superiority also and resulted in me being a perfectionist and has killed my self-esteem. I never saw kids my age equal to me and always was closer to the ones who were a grade higher or more.

I wish the best of your recovery and keep your friends close to you as long as they're not harming you because I wasn't lucky enough to have these friends. And thanks for sharing your story (:

I completely understand.

I spent my year 12 Ball sitting at my table while all my "friends" danced and socialised (ie. the group that let me sit with them but ignored me). At one point I left the ball room and found a couch in the entrance all and fell asleep cause that seemed like a better option than awkwardly sitting by myself and thinking everyone was judging me.

I was bullied through primary school and through lower high school (years 8 to 10) and even at a few points through 11 and 12 for my anger problems. People would stir me up with the intention of making me angry and hoping I would do something crazy like throw a desk or something. Also my parents are in the army so we moved every few years from city to city and I never really spent enough time in any one place while I was young to make make a best friend. We settled here in Perth when I was 12, but even then I ended up going to 2 different primary schools for the last 1.5 years of primary and went to a public school for 4 weeks at the start of year 8 before being moved to a private school.

Even after being in the same high school for 5 years, I never really got close enough to people to become good friends. The one person I would speak to about my problems was a girl in one or two of my classes. We didn't really sit together at lunch or anything but we would always talk online and I felt that she was the only person I could open up to. As soon as school finished she stopped replying to my messages and I havn't heard from her in 2 years.

Anyways, enough of my ranting
I hope you can find trust in me and others here, we are all experiencing similar things
xo