a long, boring rant about myself and my problems

First topic? I hope it's okay to post here.

I tend to be a bit long-winded when I write, which I suppose is ironic. On to my story...

I'm 18, a wannabe artist living with my parents in midwest USA. I'm pretending to be taking a break year between high school and college in order to take care of a damaged family and build up my portfolio, but really I'm just so terrified and lazy and stupid, and therefore paralyzed to move on with my life.

I'm uncertain when it comes to calling myself clinically socially anxious. I'm definitely am not a supporter of self-diagnosed psychological disorders. But I am positive that I have problems that point toward being painfully shy, at the very least. I don't get panic attacks, I don't self-harm or fear going outside on walks and such. I can occasionally hold a coherent conversation and in the past have even given decent presentations in front of my high school classes. What frightens me is that while I am in any social situation or feel like any attention is directed at me, I sort of black out. The best way I can explain it is that it's as if the thinking part of my brain is completely shut down, but the acting part is still somewhat operative. I usually don't speak at all when this happens, but if I choose/am forced to do so, what comes out of my mouth almost always does not reflect how I actually feel, or doesn't make any sense with the rest of the conversation. I'm usually rewarded with confused looks from anyone listening, since my nervousness doesn't always show. (I usually have the presence of mind and the willpower to hide shaking hands, but not a stutter.) When anticipating social situations, my heart goes crazy, and my palms clammy if I even consider speaking up. I just freeze.

This, of course, has seriously harmed my social life. Actually, it's completely snuffed it out. In my school years, I had-- and still have-- exactly and without exaggeration zero friends. This is in part caused by shyness, but also by a certain contempt-- a quiet and unforgiving judgement of my peers, all of whom I was certain were judging me as harshly... this shy, ugly, nerdy, creepy little girl sitting silently in the corner, always reading. My only prides were my decent grades (3.72 GPA with AP and IB classes... not too bad), and my art. As evidence of this, at the end of my senior year I was voted both "most shy" and "best artist". No kidding. And so, because of this aversion to people, I feel as if I've wasted my life so far... and am still wasting it by being too afraid to move away or get a job. I don't want to live like that any more, and yet I'm too terrified to make any changes. I just want to move away from everything and start over, living like a normal, social person... but I'm afraid that if I did move, nothing would change.

When I think about certain things, like getting a job, going to school, meeting anybody not in my immediate family, or even making art that I'll eventually show other people, I get an upset stomach. And as a result of my anticipation and the anxiety involved, I never do anything. I am unable to make the first move towards having a life, to overcome this paralyzing, irrational fear. I know everything I've written sounds ridiculous and pathetic, and probably irrelevant, but it's there, it's all true, and I don't know what to do about it.

My problems can't be solved with therapy or medication. I believe the solution is what I've just accomplished: sharing this information, with anybody who cares to read it. This is a small, virtually meaningless step in the social direction. But it's the first.



So thank you so much if you've read my lengthy and self-centered rant. I'm not looking for sympathy or medical advice. Just having my story out in the open is all I wanted to accomplish.
And I think this forum and the SAT blog have a beautiful purpose that I know has helped many people feel like they're not as alone as they thought.

I know everything I've written sounds ridiculous and pathetic, and probably irrelevant,

Nope, not at all. Around here, it sounds common.

And even if you don't think therapy will help, consider where you are and what you're doing. Therapy isn't defined by a medical office and hundreds of dollars; it's about doing something to help make things easier.

So be glad that you've taken the first step towards handling your anxiety; I'm sure you'll make great friends here :]

^sorry about that. i wasn't aware that i wasn't logged in and thought it would automatically >.<

Yeah, I don't get panic attacks either from social situations. I do get panic attacks about everything else though lol. I'm the same way about presentations and stuff but it wears me out because I'm always thinking about what others think of me. I have zero friends too and all I do is sit here at home trying to do anything with my life aka save people over the internet when I'm not feeling insecure or depressed.

Knowing your story and admitting it is the first step to recovery. Whenever I feel like I'm at bottom again, the first thing I do is remember my story and try to build from there. I've never gone to therapy because I don't have the money and I give better help than they do sometimes so I just help myself like the loner I am. Also, I'm scared of going in the first place LOL

I often feel also that when faced with social situations, with anyone but my boyfriend, I kind of put on a rehearsed act in which I'm not really thinking about what I'm doing but my body just reacts to the way it is supposed to.
Also, at the end of high school I was voted "Miss Grumpy" by my peers. I got a certificate and everything.

Man, i feel like i've "found my place" with this site. this is where a lot of people really relate and stuffs. I have very few friends. i'm a sophomore right now and my main friends are all in higher grades,(3 to be exact..) so i don't have any in my own grade which i see as a problem. i also don't have panic attacks but i've noticed that often when i'm with someone i'm not completely comfortable around, i don't usualyl have anything to say and then i freak out and feel crappy for not being able to say anything, it suckss. i think highschool sucks and while i am a bit scared of college i also look forward to it, because i see good things in going there haha. thanks for sharing your story, i can relate, if you ever wanna talk feel free to message me, still haven't made any friends on here yet so it'd be great for someone to talk to me, i did just join but still lol

This doesn't sound silly, or self-centred, or pathetic at all. I actually can identify with quite a few of the things in your post. So even if you don't want to or can't afford therapy or treatment, you can know you're not alone.
Even if you're amongst people who type out long messages of support who then freak out before they can press the send button.

Aigis, that last part is exactly what happens with me; I can think of supportive things to say and I'm all right with explaining my own situation, but when it comes to actually hitting the send button (literally and metaphorically when in vocal conversation) I usually chicken out or spend way too long revising what I'm saying until I realize I've spent way too much time and effort into something that means little.

So apologies to everyone who replied to my post... I hope you'll understand that I'm not trying to be rude by not responding. Just know that your support is gratefully returned. I don't have much to give in the way of advice, I'm afraid.

I'm not the most reliable person to go to for advice, as I am going through hell and a half as it is. However, I wouldn't take a year off if I were you; I've known too many people who have wanted to take a year off and have deeply regretted doing so--including me. There is nothing I love more than art, and I can't stand the thought of someone not jumping into an art school right away if they deserve it and if they'll make good use out of it. Your writing is solid, you're obviously capable of winning your class over with your art, and you've got humility. If you've gotten good grades in AP and IB classes, you're more than qualified to go to any art school with a decent portfolio.
As far as the anxiety is concerned, it will only get worse if you don't keep yourself occupied. Two years ago, I wanted to double major in Painting & Drawing and Art History, but since I've taken this semester off from community college to build my portfolio, all I want to do is go into the medical field and make money (which may or may not change, but I have no idea). I'm not saying you're likely to slip under the same situation as me, I just would like you to take action and stay focused.

jujuosity wrote:I'm not the most reliable person to go to for advice, as I am going through hell and a half as it is. However, I wouldn't take a year off if I were you; I've known too many people who have wanted to take a year off and have deeply regretted doing so--including me. There is nothing I love more than art, and I can't stand the thought of someone not jumping into an art school right away if they deserve it and if they'll make good use out of it. Your writing is solid, you're obviously capable of winning your class over with your art, and you've got humility. If you've gotten good grades in AP and IB classes, you're more than qualified to go to any art school with a decent portfolio.
As far as the anxiety is concerned, it will only get worse if you don't keep yourself occupied. Two years ago, I wanted to double major in Painting & Drawing and Art History, but since I've taken this semester off from community college to build my portfolio, all I want to do is go into the medical field and make money (which may or may not change, but I have no idea). I'm not saying you're likely to slip under the same situation as me, I just would like you to take action and stay focused.

Your advice means more than you realize. And you're right about a break year being detrimental to anxiety issues, but I really did feel like I had to stay with my family for a while. It's just that something's keeping me from being productive during this time. Even though jobs are hard to come by in my area, I should definitely be applying to anything that's available. I'm still determined to fulfill my dream and earn a career as an artist in the entertainment industry, whether that means going to an art school or not. (It's impossibly expensive and I'm confident that if I stay focused I can teach myself to a sufficient degree.) I'm just too shy/anxious/whatever to take the first steps, to show people my artwork and get my name out there, anything beyond a deviantArt account. I'm very set on being an artist, and couldn't imagine ever taking up a different profession (though I'm sure that's what you told yourself before considering the medical field). And as I'm writing this I'm thinking how silly I sound and how easy it would be to just ask around and figure out what I should be doing to become an artist. It's just not as simple as it seems.
But you're completely right about taking action. I've just got to try and work past all the anxiety. (I don't like using that word... it sounds too clinical and serious, whereas "shy" just sounds too petty.)

Well, anyway, I definitely respect that you had the courage to consider different career paths. Just because it isn't your profession doesn't mean that you can't be an artist. So maybe the break you took didn't so much make you lose focus as it did to shift it. If you're happy staying dedicated to art as a hobby, that's all that matters.

I'm happy I could be of use in any way. I'm glad you're heart is set on being an artist, because I frankly don't see myself as taking the courage to consider different career paths. In fact, I was implying quite the opposite; that I was foolish and scared of pursuing my dream so much so that I would do something wholly different with my life. I am somewhat flattered, though, that you saw it as a positive thing.
Thank you for sharing, and thank you for taking the time to read my response!
I really hope you stick with it in the end, as corny as that comes off.