Sometimes people need to step off

I know this place has been dead for like a month but I need somewhere more-or-less public to unload and the person who most of this is directed at follows my blog.

I'm really fucking sick of feeling awful every time I metaphorically step on someone's toes. I try really, really hard to be level headed and fair with everyone. But if I mess up, if I was too hyper and missed cues, if I forgot a piece of information that meant someone was temporarily more sensitive to certain topics, or if I'm just fucking human and am not perfect all the fucking time I scold myself endlessly for that mistake. I try to not get mad. I try to see the other side, understand why they reacted that way, and see if I could have been the cause of that reaction. But today, today I see the other side and I still just want to be pissed. Pissed as hell. Because yes, I had the information to know this girl had just had an argument with someone about this one topic but she also asked me directly about it. And I really hate to flat out lie. The information she gathered from her question was that I liked one specific instance of a fanfic in this genre. Granted it's a horrific genre but I happened to find one with spectacular world building, characterization, and all the other bits that go into writing. She went off about this topic for half an hour, much of it seemingly directed at me, because I read a story about this.

So maybe I stepped on her toes a little. Maybe. I'm not even willing to totally take responsibility for that. She made me feel the way I do right now. Like if I don't get it all out on the internet I'll start hunting for something sharp. I hope this doesn't forever color how I see the Avengers, since this all happened like an hour before we went to watch it and I was as close as I've ever been to throwing up from anxiety as the movie started because of that. That would suck because that was an excellent movie. But she also kept tapping me (hard. On the leg and hand. To the point where I was shying away from her because of it) throughout the movie and making comments. I really do like to just enjoy a movie quietly, maybe with crowd input (aka laughter, applause, shouts of horror, that one funny comment someone shouts out) at a midnight premier but not with a running commentary the first time I watch it.

I need to learn how to say enough is enough. That I may care deeply for someone but I need to take a break from caring for them or I'll crumble. Or that I may enjoy hanging out with someone and I'll listen to them complain some but I can't be the dumping ground for all their gripes. Their concerns make me anxious and wondering how they want me to respond makes me anxious and wondering if there's more I could do makes me anxious and thinking I should have fixed it earlier makes me anxious and on and on and on.

If I'm going to learn how to drop my 'please let me help, please I want you to be happy' face I need the people around me to learn how to recognize any displeasure in those situations as me fighting through that mask to tell them I'm not OK. That they need to stop what they're doing that's hurting me. That I might need help just as much as they do, I don't need to be taking on their issues when I'm breaking inside.

Also, I just want to get well and truly pissed at someone. I want to get in a shouting match that I know I'll win. So on gender or sexuality. Good news on that front! I'm taking a class on sexuality in Western culture and we've been talking about gender some as well. There's one guy in the class who has strong opinions that are different enough from mine for me to get mad about. I'm sure I'll have words with him at some point.