Gathering of friends

My friends are having a dinner today and I've been looking forward to it for weeks. Now that it's here I just don't want to go. I know not feeling like going to this means I really really should (not to mention that I haven't seen them in a while so I really do want to go) but it's so hard to think about all the things I have to do before actually being at the party. Shutting off my computer, make up, appropriate clothes, bus, walking. Ugh, it seems like so much effort.

Which really sucks, too, because just the other day I was super excited about how April didn't seem like an eternity away, I felt like I was getting to a good place. Now... now tomorrow seems like it'll never happen. Like the six hours between now and then will go on forever.

Am I being melodramatic? I feel like I sound melodramatic. I just hate bad days so much, particularly when they sneak up on me.

I have days like this too. On New Years Eve, it was my first one not working in 5 years, and I was invited to a house party with lots of my friends, including one who had moved away to Germany and was back for a few days. For weeks and weeks I was excited about it, and then, just before I started getting ready. I started dreading it. I was actually scared and my brain convinced me that I really did not want to go.

But I went. And I actually had a good time. The exhaustion of it wore me out, and we left shortly after midnight, but I was proud of myself for fighting through and going.

I hope you managed to find the strength, too.

I did go. I got ready just after posting and then while I was sitting there and dreading getting on the bus my friend called to ask if I needed a ride. I took the offer, got down there, and had a ton of fun like I always do at their dinner parties. Like I knew I would.

What's most frustrating is I'm not really sure what I was afraid of. Many of these people are good friends I've known since middle school and are practically family to me. I'm not afraid of buses. All I can think of is one time I was over there I ended up torn between sitting on the couch alone waiting for them to finish cooking or hovering in the kitchen and being in the way for like 20 minutes. I felt completely awkward but the party was still a ton of fun once they finished their food and other people showed up. Argh, why does my brain possibly fixate on one thing that happened one time that didn't even ruin the evening then tell me that if this happened again it would be terrible? Brains are jerks sometimes.