Depression.

This isn't really social anxiety. It's more about my depression, but I felt I needed somewhere to post it where other people may understand where I am coming from. (This is originally a post from my tumblr.)

Today is a horrid day.

I've had such a good run since Christmas of 'good' days, and I got way too comfortable with that. I should have known that just around the corner was the massive black pit of despair otherwise known as my depression. I should have known that soon it would rear its ugly head. I should have known that it would soon have me sobbing on the floor for no reason I can tell, just because the pain inside is so much that I cannot hold the tears back for any longer.

Not helped by Sams mood - his job has always been stressful, but he refuses to look for anything else. Lately, his mood has been reflecting his work, and today, because of my stupid depression and his dumbass mood, we have done nothing but argue. He's not even home and all we've done is argue argue argue and that makes me cry more and feel even crapper.

It's hard to believe that as recently as yesterday, I felt so positive and happy. Those feelings seem so distant right this second.

People say they want to curl up in bed and forget about the day all the time, and that is exactly how I feel right now. But I feel worse, too. The small, tiny, scary part of me that thinks 'what does it even matter if you wake up or not?' is currently being really loud, and it's scary and confusing and so hard to deal with.

I always struggle trying to get my feelings across, and how I feel when I am suffering like this. I fear everyone thinks I am exaggerating, or being dramatic. Or the right words don't come. I want to find the perfect words to convey to people just how horrible, embarassing, scary and downright hopeless this all feels to me. I've dealt with it for a decade now, and every blow is just as hard and painful as the previous ones.

It may just be for a day. For all I know, tomorrow I will wake up and feel like I am on top of the fucking world. But right now, I feel the lowest of the low, and I feel like I'm sinking deeper.

I also have a massive urge for a bottle of red wine. But I have no money.

I don't have much to say other than that I don't think what you're saying sounds like an exaggeration at all. From my experience with depression (which doesn't seem quite as bad as yours, I've only been dealing with it for a couple months and mine is a direct off shoot of my anxiety) what you're saying makes perfect sense. I hope you have more good days soon.

Oh, actually I do have advice. Explaining how you're feeling and making the effort to be polite to those close to you can go a long way. It helps them understand that you're not just being a grump and a jerk but you're actually trying and the little bit of appreciation from saying 'Thank you' can make them feel better which might just lighten up the atmosphere enough for you to start feeling better. I know it's not always possible to do that when all you want to do is curl up in a dark corner and make the world go away, but if you do find yourself able to do that it might help.